Why he's Insane
by Luvmonkeys
Summary: A diary can hold lots of things. Good memories, bad memories, and incredible secrets.    Perhaps even unlocking why a person is so demented as Russia.


When I was a child, my life was perfect. I had loving family and siblings, a wonderful country and land. Everything was wonderful, everything was perfect. I thought it would last forever.

I was wrong…very wrong.

My life was changed when General Winter first made his appearance. My mother, Kievan Rus, was worried, as well as my biggest sister Ukraine. She probably thought she was giving me enough attention since she was trying to keep this nearby country from invading us. So she tried to give me more attention, unaware of when she wasn't paying attention, that country was coming closer.

I blame myself…if I had kept the appearance of General Winter to myself, she would have kept him away probably. Our lives would be golden like now. I still remember wondering why my family didn't see him either. I remember the day all too well when that country invaded my home, taking my mother away from me and my sisters.

It was so cold…I was so cold. I never thought I could be any colder then I was when I was lying on the red snow. I was only a child, and this man, Mongolia? Yeah Mongolia, swiftly moved through and attacked my sisters, took down Poland and Hungary like that. Me? I was only a small child, my little sister even younger than me. She hardly remembers what happened to us…the only thing she remembers from then is that we'd always been under Mongolia's lock and key.

She didn't remember the happy times.

The times we would spend warm spring days fishing in streams, or the summer when we would eat ourselves sick with the fresh fruits that we picked from the tree's, cooling ourselves off in the same streams we fished in. Our how during the night we would stay up late and count the stars with our people who were philosophers or astronomers.

She didn't remember the times during the fall season, when we would harvest and prepare for winter. Or those bitter cold winters when the three of us would huddle together in our tents for warmth next to the fire as we heard mother hum sweet folk tales of the past to us. Natalia never remembered.

She only remembers Mongolia and the Golden Horde; I guess that's why she turned out so…messed up.

But I suppose something good came out of living under Mongolia's rule, if I hadn't, I'd never have meet China, Lithuania or his commonwealth. I remember first meeting that knight…well the two knights. He came with Poland in a packaged deal. But I'm getting ahead of myself, I should start with China and how I met him.

Mongolia was a tyrant to everyone back then, even more so on me. He'd usually give me daily beatings and sometimes call me in to do such things along the more "adult" sense by pinning me down to his bed late at night when he knew I was more vulnerable. However, his favorite punishment was to take blunt items and hit me with them till I had purple welts all along my body with matching bruises. Said it looked pretty on my pale skin.

I'd been crying for awhile when someone came into the stables. I thought it was Mongolia again when someone had touched my shoulder, and I nearly screamed. 

"Aiya! You shouldn't scream aru." The…person scolded. I couldn't tell if it was a man or woman, partly because the long hair and long, dainty fingers on those delicate hands. The other frowned and knelt down to my level. "You poor creature..." He said softly and stroked my dirty hair. I was able to conclude the person was male after listening to him speak to me.

"Did Mongolia do this to you?" he asked and I shook my head, even if I was lying. Mongolia had given me an extra hard beating after I had told my older sister about what he had done the first time he did it. Of course that was before I had run away the first of several times, and each time Mongolia would come riding in on his stallion and bring me back just to mutilate and humiliate me even more.

He frowned, tone becoming serious. "Do not lie to your elders, Russia. Did Mongolia do this to you?" I flinched when the other grazed my bruised cheek with his fingers. "D…Da…" I stuttered and the other 'tsk'ed softly. "Come with me little one, I'll fix your wounds for you, aru." He said softly and stood as he offered his hand. I shrunk back, knowing the consequences. "N-Nyet!" I screamed in response. "I-If I go, G-Golden Horde will surely punish me even more!" I cried before the tears began again.

The other blinked and gave me a soft gentle smile. "It's alright, if Mongolia tries to hurt you, I'll take the beatings…" He said with a gentle look. I wiped my eyes, still sniffling. "W-Who…?" I began and he smiled at me. "China…but you may call me Yao." He assured me as he pulled me off the floor and lead me to his own residence.

The embarrassment from when he fixed my wounds was very high. I blushed the whole time as I sat with my naked form in front of the other. I hissed when he applied salve to my lashes on my back, I sobbed when he used stitches to fix up other wounds that I had only applied gauze to. When he was finished with my back, chest and stomach, he ordered me to remove my other clothes so he could fix down around my hips, legs and thighs; I was so embarrassed.

But, fearing a beating, I did as I was told. "Don't worry…" he assured me when I flinched as he placed his hand on my left thigh. "I won't touch you like Mongolia has…" he reassured me every time I flinched and every time I let out a squeak of some sort.

I was sad when it was time to return home to Golden Horde. Of course he noticed when I returned with China, and I hid behind the other, clinging to him tightly. He yanked me over and gripped my hair.

"Get back to your chores." He growled and nearly threw me on the ground, I was thankful my big sister was there to keep me from hitting the ground.

Sometimes I was thankful for the help China gave me, but sometimes I wondered if the beating that came with it from Mongolia was even worth it.

I remember when I met Lithuania. He wanted me to come live with him, and I wanted to, but…Mongolia wasn't going to have that. He liked having me around, but he said I could visit my sisters for a few days a month at Lithuania's place…so I did and I took advantage of it.

Of course…Poland didn't like me. He was happier when I was leaving then when I was arriving. When I was young I didn't know any better not to call Toris "Liet" around Poland. To Poland, it was their sacred bond; a term of endearment to each other. I remember that moment as it was in slow motion.

"Poland doesn't like me..."

"Of course he does Ivan." Lithuania reassured me as he fixed up my hair from looking so shaggy.

"He's simply shy around new people."

"Even though I'm a child?" I questioned. Toris paused in his movements and I knew I was right. Poland didn't like me…so why did Lithuania stick around? I thought those two were a package deal, but maybe I was wrong.

The drastic moment changed when we were all eating dinner together. Poland was simply chattering away like he always did, my sisters were talking quietly amongst themselves and I was sitting between Yeketerina and Lithuania like I always did.

"Hey, maybe we could go fishing tomorrow, what do you think Liet?"

Poland immediately shut up, the only sound was him dropping his goblet and hearing it fall onto the wooden table.

I remember just blinking stupidly. "What's wrong with Poland?" I had asked before I was roughly yanked out of my chair.

"What was that you Mongolian brat!" he had screamed at me. I remember crying and my sisters were just confused as I was.

"Feliks!" Lithuania screamed as he stood up so fast he knocked the chair over. He stood there, standing and gripping the Polack's arm. "What!" he screamed back after he had slapped my face hard, the rings he had been wearing leaving imprints into my skin. "Poland, that's enough!" Toris yelled loudly.

"No! This kid comes into our territory, after refusing the offer to come here with his sisters! Then he calls you MY nickname for you! That's not right Toris!" he yelled as he dropped me before leaving the dinner table. I remember backing up as my sisters cuddled me tightly while I sobbed into Yeketerina's chest.

Toris simply stood there, dumbfounded by what to do. Should he stay and fix me, or go after Poland? I don't know because my older sister had taken me upstairs after that. Yeketerina hushed me and said I should stop bothering Mister Toris so much. Maybe she was right, but my mind was still woozy from crying so much that I just fell asleep.

That night was when something changed between mine and Lithuania's relation. It was the first time both of us had sex with one another. I was the one that started it all by shoving myself on him. Maybe it was because how much nicer he was to me instead of Mongolia. He apologized to me so much after what he did. I think he did it out of frustration.

When I awoke, it was very dark and very late. I doubt Lithuania was up, but that didn't stop me from wiggling my way out of the both of my sisters holds, and sneaking down the hallway.

I walked down the hallway when I noticed a thin strip of light coming from the crack in Lithuania's door. I could also see shadows walking in front of it as well as the sound of fighting. I couldn't help but peek into it, watching as Lithuania and Poland argue.

"Why!" Poland screamed as he cried. Lithuania was sitting on the bed, Poland dropping to his knees beside him, laying his head in Lithuania's lap.

"Ever since we met that brat things have changed…why can't we go back to the old days? When it was just you and me, Liet? "Remember? The two of us just sitting and relaxing in the wheat fields? Then coming home and making bread and just goofing off?" he whispered.

Lithuania stroked the blonde hair with such loving care. At the sight of it something tugged at my heart…I wanted to be in Poland's place…I deserved to be there at the moment. I was jolted back when I heard Lithuania's voice again.

"Things have been rocky between us lately, I know…but I promise when Ivan goes back to Golden Horde in a few days, we'll go away for a weekend in the forest on a camping trip."

"Really? You like, really mean it?" Lithuania nodded and the blond hugged him tightly. I felt even more jealousy rise in me. I was feeling more and more dislike for him.

I was so caught up in my thoughts I didn't hear Feliks coming toward the door. I only felt the wooden door slam into my face roughly. "Opps…" I heard someone say, genuine shock in their voice.

"Feliks!" Toris yelled but the blond kept walking…he really hated me.

"Oh Ivan…you've been through so much today…" I heard Lithuania say as he lifted me into his arms. I looked up at him. "Why doesn't Poland like me?" I asked softly as Lithuania fixed my face, making sure my nose wasn't broken.

"He's…very dependant when it comes to certain things." Toris told me, dabbing a wash rag against my cheek, making me wince as he moved to my nose. It was bleeding only a little, but some had gotten onto my scarf.

"Do you want me to wash it?" Lithuania asked and I held it tightly, shaking my head. "No...It's fine."

"You sure?" He asked me again and I nodded. Toris smiled and pet my head and I simply nuzzled into it, giggling softly.

I looked up to see Lithuania smile at me before picking me up to take me back to my room. Once there, he helped me change into my night clothes. "From now on, you can call me Liet when we're alone. But in front of everyone else, you can call me Lithu or Tori. Only you can call me those names. Okay?" he said and I smiled.

"Okay!" I cheered, making him laugh.

Lithuania tucked me back into bed, and kissed my forehead. Something came to me…I wanted to ask Lithuania an important question. "Toris…"

"Yes?" he asked.

"Why…Why do you kiss me on my forehead, but you don't kiss me like Mongolia usually would…why?" I asked. I noticed the sudden sick look on Lithuania's face and how he struggled to talk. Like he had something stuck in his throat.

"Toris…are you okay? Did I say something wrong?" I asked again and he smiled weakly.

"I-I'm okay…"

"Then answer my question. And don't say it's because Mongolia is a bad man, I already know that because he taught me all the basics of sex already." I demanded, giving him a look. I giggled when his cheeks turned a pink color.

"W-Well…" Toris sighed softly. "Because you're a child…you aren't old enough for that." He told me and I immediately sat up. How DARE he say I wasn't old enough!

"I am so! Mongolia degrades and pushes me around and humiliates me all the time in such ways! I dare you to say that again!" I growled. Whoa…I…I almost sounded like Mongolia…I-I hope Toris doesn't hate me like we both hate Mongolia! I felt tears rising in my eyes.

"I-I'm sorry Toris…I-I didn't mean to snap at you." I began sniffling softly. I heard Toris sigh and felt him hug me. "I don't hate you Ivan…you just lost your temper was all." He hushed me and kissed my forehead. I looked up at him and smiled before leaning up and giving him a soft kiss. I felt Toris tense before pulling me away quickly. "W-What are you doing!" he asked in a flustered state.

"Mongolia likes kissing me and I hate him…so…why can't I do it with someone I like?" I asked him, cheeks' burning in what I assumed was a blush. Toris stared at me for awhile before cupping my cheeks and nuzzling my forehead. "Because I'm nice to you…" he whispered before shoving me down roughly onto the bed in a sudden assault. My eyes went wide in shock and fear. "T-Toris!"

"Quiet." He said sternly, reaching under my night gown and beginning to un-do anything I was wearing. "S-Stop it!" I cried loudly. Toris had turned so cold suddenly…so rough and forceful. "You only want me because I'm nice to you." He practically growled. "If I act like Mongolia does to you, you won't want me, will you?" he hissed and finally finished pulling down my undergarments. "No!" I cried. I was scared; I didn't want to be hurt. But I knew when someone did this while angry, it usually hurt. "P-Please! T-Toris I'm sorry!" I begged. I felt him bite down roughly on my still clothed shoulder, his hands gripping my naked thighs tightly in his hands, leaving nail marks and bruises. "You said you've done it with Mongolia…what's the difference with me?" he groaned, grinding into me. The action made me stop my protesting and gasp loudly. "T-Toris…" I stuttered. "What's wrong Ivan?" he whispered in my ear. "Are you scared?" I didn't know what to say. Maybe if I say yes he'll stop, believing he proved a point. But I didn't want him to leave yet.

"N-No…" I lied to him. He pulled back, keeping his arms down on my shoulders just observing my flushed, teary eyed face. He seemed to snap back to reality before bringing him close to his chest. "I'm sorry…" he whispered.

"I-I was so frustrated hearing you talk about the way Mongolia treats you…I…I don't know what came over me." He whispered into my ear. "Forgive me Ivan…" he whispered and I hid my face in his neck. My whole figure was shaking and I had nothing to tell him. What could I tell him to make things better; there was nothing I could say to make this better, really.

"D-Don't stop…okay." I sniffled and he looked at me. I was stuttered and shaking. "I…I want to know what it feels like to enjoy doing something like that…so don't stop okay Toris?" I begged and he must have given in because the look I had was enough to make even Mongolia probably give in.

"…Alright." He stared before laying me back down, my legs propped up by his own. "But only this once…alright?" I smiled and nodded as he whipped my tears off my face. "O-Okay…" I said stuttering as Lithuania kissed me softly, the kiss soon turning passionate.

I remember…the feeling of his hands moving very sensually on my skin. My body shaking and quivering under every stroke he delivered to me. "T-Toris!" I whined loudly as I reached my first climax, toes curling tightly. He smirked, but it wasn't a bad type of smirk…it was one that made me shiver and that gave the feeling that he was enjoying my reactions. It was a type of smirk that I wasn't afraid of.

"Are you ready?" he asked as he undid his pants and I nodded. "B-Be gentle okay?" I begged and he smiled. "Of course I will." He whispered to me before I felt him inside me.

I remember how I held him so tightly. How our bodies were slick together with sweat and bodily fluids. How often I would hear him gasp and how I would occasionally whine and gasp in pleasure. My body was becoming tenser and I could tell Toris was feeling it too. "Y-You need to relax…" he said softly.

"I-I'm sorry…I-I'm trying…" I whimpered. He hit one spot and I squealed, climaxing again. My tight muscles must have been become tighter because Toris gasped and I felt his release shoot into me.

I smiled at him and he returned it weakly before pulling out and fixing my under garments back on. "I'm so sorry…" he whispered and kissed my temple softly. I yawned. "Thank you Toris…" I whispered before falling asleep. Toris did take me fishing the next day as a way to apologize. However when I returned home to Mongolia…well…he found out and gave me a brutal beating for it.

I remember…when the Mongol hoard fell. How Mongolia eventually let me go and I immediately ran to Lithuania. It was such a wonderful feeling. But…something lingered back in my mind. Like that I was forgetting something really importa—

_The book was put down by the person holding it. The rest of the page was spotted with blood and the rest of the pages had been ripped out of the book. Tears hit the floor as the reader tried to regain their composure. They had always wondered how Ivan could be so corrupted…but…he'd never known. _

"_Raivis…" someone called to him as he looked over his shoulder. "Is something wrong?" Eduard asked. He whipped his face clean and shook his head. "No…I'm fine." He said softly. Eduard nodded. "The meeting start in an hour…we better go." He said before turning to leave. He put the book back in it's place. _


End file.
